Is it true love or just the fear of being abandoned?
We often romanticize intense longing, but psychologists suggest the core of obsessive love isn't intensity. Instead, it is driven by the trauma of rejection. From ancient Greek myths to modern clinical studies, the line between passion and pathology is thinner than we think.
While we often equate obsession with deep passion, experts like Susan Forward suggest the true driver is not the intensity of affection, but the anger triggered by rejection or abandonment. This can manifest as 'mania,' a possessive and dependent love style characterized by insecurity and a desperate need for reassurance. In contrast, 'eros'—or erotic love—is driven by a search for an ideal and is typically more self-assured and less chaotic.
The psychological progression of this behavior often follows a destructive cycle. John Moore describes an 'Obsessive Relational Progression' that begins with an overwhelming attraction and unrealistic fantasies. This moves into an anxiety phase, where fears of infidelity and abandonment trigger controlling behaviors, eventually escalating into surveillance or stalking, and finally reaching a stage of 'destruction' where the partner flees the relationship.
The distinction between different types of fixation is vital. 'Limerence' involves an all-absorbing infatuation where the individual fantasizes about a 'limerent object,' often seeking reciprocity. This differs significantly from stalking, where the motive is often to force contact or punish a victim. Clinical delusions also play a role: 'erotomania' involves the false belief that love is reciprocated, while 'morbid infatuation' involves a delusional belief in the eventual success of pursuing a relationship despite knowing it is unrequited.
This pattern is as old as antiquity. Ancient Greek mythology featured 'theia mania' (madness from the gods), illustrated by figures like Medea, whose love for Jason led to murder. Anthropologist Helen Fisher notes that 'abandonment rage' may be an evolutionary byproduct; the brain's circuitry for romantic love and rage are closely linked, both involving high arousal and goal-directed focus.
Source: Obsessive love
