The bestseller that made open marriage famous mostly argued for something else
Before 1972, sociologists used open marriage to mean simply choosing your own spouse. Then a bestselling book by Nena and George O'Neill, devoted mainly to trust and personal growth, gave twenty pages to outside partners, and the phrase came to mean sexual non-monogamy. Five years later Nena O'Neill was championing fidelity.
In anthropology through the 1960s, a closed marriage was one arranged by social rules and an open marriage one where individuals picked their partners. The O'Neills' book spent 40 weeks on the New York Times list and, by its publisher's count, sold over 35 million copies in 14 languages. Its idea of openness was room for each partner to grow and form friendships beyond the couple, with most chapters on communication, flexible roles and equality. A single chapter, titled Love Without Jealousy, floated the possibility of other sexual partners, and television appearances did the rest. In her 1977 book Nena O'Neill backed sexual fidelity, remarking that she and her husband had never seen extramarital sex as something for most people.
Today the term describes a marriage in which both partners agree that each may have outside sexual or romantic relationships without treating them as cheating. Styles range between two poles: polyamorous arrangements centred on love and emotional bonds, and swinging, centred on recreational sex. Which a person prefers may track sociosexuality, their willingness to have sex without emotional ties, and couples tend to gravitate towards separate communities. Many couples set rules, for instance banning emotional attachment or partners both spouses know. Some arrangements are one-sided, where libidos differ greatly or illness intervenes, but still differ from infidelity because both spouses agree.
Counting such marriages is tricky. In a study of more than 6,000 couples, partners interviewed separately sometimes gave flatly contradictory accounts of whether they had any understanding at all. That study found 15 percent of couples had an agreement permitting outside sex, yet only about a quarter of those husbands and wives acted on it in the previous year. Another survey found 7 percent would consider an open marriage but just 1.7 percent actually practised one.
Outcomes vary. Some couples report lasting satisfaction, while others return to monogamy without condemning the idea. One study saw a slightly higher divorce risk and another found none. A 1981 study reported that roughly 80 percent of people in open marriages experienced jealousy, at least as much as monogamous couples.
Source: Open marriage
