Before modern labels, intense romantic friendships were a standard part of social life

Countries & Cities · Published 10 October 2026 Swipe more like this →

In short: For centuries, deep emotional and physical intimacy between same-sex friends was considered unremarkable. From the Renaissance to the Victorian era, people shared beds, wrote passionate letters, and formed lifelong bonds without the modern framework of sexual identity. Today, we often struggle to interpret these historical relationships through our contemporary lens.

The concept of romantic friendship describes a deeply intimate, typically non-sexual bond that was once common in Western society. Before the mid-19th century, physical closeness—such as holding hands, cuddling, or sharing a bed—between platonic friends was widely accepted. These relationships were often documented through heartfelt letters, poems, and essays, which modern readers frequently misinterpret as evidence of sexual desire. Historians like Lillian Faderman and Stephanie Coontz argue that because such intense friendships have become rare today, we struggle to recognize them as distinct from modern sexual categories.

In the 18th and 19th centuries, these bonds flourished, particularly among women in Europe and North America. As female education expanded, women formed peer cultures in colleges where they idolized one another, using terms like smashes or spoons to describe their infatuations. These connections could last a lifetime, sometimes resulting in Boston marriages where women lived together as partners. Similarly, men in the Renaissance and early American periods practiced a form of romantic friendship that was often viewed as a masculine ideal. Figures like Alexander Hamilton and John Laurens exchanged deeply expressive letters, though historians like Ron Chernow note that the ambiguity of such records makes it impossible to definitively label them as sexual.

The debate over these relationships often centers on whether they were truly platonic or merely a way to conceal homosexuality in eras where it was heavily stigmatized. While some scholars, such as John Boswell, have suggested that historical rituals like adelphopoiesis represented same-sex unions, others argue these were simply ceremonies of ritualized kinship, akin to brotherhood. Ultimately, the study of romantic friendship challenges our reliance on modern identity labels. By setting aside contemporary categories, historians like Sharon Marcus suggest we can better understand how people in the past navigated intimacy, desire, and social commitment without the rigid definitions we use today.

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