We do not move on from grief; we simply learn to move forward with it
In short: Grief is often treated as a temporary state that we must eventually overcome, but writer Nora McInerny argues that this perspective is fundamentally flawed. Instead of a wound that heals, grief is a chronic, life-altering experience that we carry with us, shaping our identity long after the initial loss occurs.
In 2014, Nora McInerny’s husband, Aaron Purmort, died of glioblastoma at age 35. Shortly before his death, the couple co-authored a humorous obituary that went viral, marking the beginning of McInerny’s public exploration of loss. She later founded the podcast Terrible, Thanks for Asking to provide a space for people to discuss the thorny, often uncomfortable realities of grief. Her work challenges the cultural pressure to 'move on' or 'alchemize' sorrow into something palatable for others, arguing that such expectations only serve to isolate those who are suffering.
McInerny emphasizes that grief is not a linear process that concludes with a return to normalcy. She describes it as a multitasking emotion where a person can simultaneously experience profound sadness and genuine joy. Because grief is not a broken bone that resets, it remains a permanent part of one's life. She notes that time does not heal mental or emotional wounds in the way it might physical ones; instead, time can feel cruel, serving as a constant reminder of how long a loved one has been gone. This reality persists regardless of whether a person finds new love or experiences other life milestones.
The societal tendency to offer platitudes or suggest that 'everything happens for a reason' is, in McInerny’s view, deeply unhelpful. She advocates for radical honesty, encouraging people to be explicit about their needs rather than pretending to be 'fine' to avoid pity or discomfort. By acknowledging that some things cannot be fixed and that not all wounds are meant to heal, she suggests we can better support one another. Ultimately, moving forward does not mean leaving the past behind; it means integrating the loss into our ongoing lives, recognizing that we are permanently shaped by the people we have loved and lost.
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Sources
- Summary by Intellect · source: The messy truth about grief | Nora McInerny
- Also: The messy, complicated truth about grief |
- Also: Nora McInerny's Guide to Grieving| Tufts Now
- Also: Nora McInerny: How Can We Face Life's Rough Edges? : NPR
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